Thinking

I thought that we'd grow old together, and lord I miss him now!

reminiscing...

life... its a lovehate situation.

These are just a few of many quotes over the last few days that my darling granddaughter has posted  on facebook.  Christmas is a very hard time of year when you spend it without those who are no longer here to share it with.  Christmas Eve I was at Mary's watching her make cookies and talking when I made a comment about growing old and time going by so fast and how scary it was.  I guess I was expressing the emotions that have been tearing at me lately since Kim died and how fast we go from being young and healthy to being older and wondering about our health and well being.  I looked at my daugther and granddaughter and started to cry.  I mean it's sad to think that someday we will not be here to see the ones we love so much...... Whatever the real comment was............. I forget my actual words...............Kathryn said something to the effect about not having to be old to die.................With tears welling up in her eyes and softly falling down her young beautiful face she said, "it doesn't matter how old you are, David was only 21".  You are right Kathryn.  Life is so uncertain............so unfair sometimes.................I know this Christmas was hard for you............Since David has been gone your life has been so empty and sad. I know the first Christmas since he has been gone will be the worst Christmas of your life.  Death of someone we love teaches us to say, "I love you."   It teaches us to not take each other for granted and to spend a little more time doing the little things that mean so much more and not letting moments pass by without a smile or hug.  At least thats how it should be. We need to say I am sorry more often and mean it.  We need to say I love you and mean it.  We need to take the time to enjoy those we love.  The little things in life are what count in the end.  The material things and the money we work so hard for, are worth nothing.  They can not comfort us when we are sick or dying...But a hug, a kiss, a smile and a touch can bring us that comfort we all long for.  I remember before Jimmy's mother passed away how everyone of her children and grandchildren were at her bedside for days.  This made a lasting impression on me because my grandmother passed away alone, with no one to hold her hand and whisper words of comfort as she slipped away to be with God.  This made me so sad. 
A few weeks ago Mama and I fixed some Christmas flowers and I took them to the cemetery.  I got out of the truck and walked over to where she was resting peacefully.  I sat down and pressed my face against her tombstone.  I talked to her as if she were sitting next to me.  " Mama Lola can you believe that your oldest granddaughter is almost 60?"  I miss you so much", I said, "I wish you were here to see my beautiful grandchildren that you never met.  Chloe', Joleigh, Katie, Stone, Kaiden and Grayson would touch your heart.  I wish they could taste your dumplings and fried apple-butter pies.  I miss your smile and laughing eyes, your humor and your hugs and kisses.  I miss the way you loved me.  I miss YOU!"  I kissed her stone and rubbed my hand over her name then stood up, got in my truck, and drove home. 

Memories have to be made..................in order to be remembered......................